Mad At God

I stopped writing blogs because I was mad at God for allowing me to suffer.

I don’t write these blogs alone. Every single one of these blogs I was prompted to write by Holy Spirit. Every. Single. One. He’s my co-author. He tells me what to write. He gives me the theme, wisdom, and images to go along with each story of my life that I tell. (That's why I am often so unapologetic about how my blogs make others feel. Be mad at me if you want to but I wasn’t the one that cut you… He did. I’m just being obedient and sharing my life transparently.) With God being my coauthor that means I cannot write these without Him—- I mean I could… but I don’t want to and trust me as a reader you wouldn’t want me to either. They would suck.

So yeah, I was mad at God but why am I telling you this instead of just coming back and posting regularly like I never left? Because I don't think enough Christians talk about the real journey that comes with following Christ and what we are battling. We often perpetuate this image that being a Christian is easy. Like it’s all glitter, rainbows, and holding hands while singing Kumbaya. When in reality even though my faith is the best part of my life, it's not always the easiest. I have ups and downs. I have moments where I just don’t feel like it, moments where I’m not perfect, and moments that are hard to get through.

I’m writing this because I know I am not the only person to be angry with God for something. My intention is to share that 1) if you have ever felt angry with God for whatever reason, you're not alone and 2) I want to tell you not only how I got through it but the reality of what that experience was like for me.

So why was I made at God? The best way I can describe it is that I had a very human reaction to a Godly experience.

[Disclaimer: This blog is strictly for those who can relate to having an experience of feeling angry or let down by God. If you haven’t had a moment in your faith where your prayers have gotten real, raw, and straight up been like “What the hell is this God?!?” Stop reading. You may find this blog disturbing. If you haven’t experienced anger yet in your Christian journey I would even go so far as to argue that you’re either A.) Lying to yourself or B.) Your faith ain’t been through anything yet. Because inevitably the more you walk with Christ, and the deeper you walk with Him the more He begins to mold you and strip stuff off you. It's not comfortable or pretty.]

My reaction was triggered because in this season I had felt extremely uncovered by God and the godly people around me. I was being the spiritual shield for other people -who didn’t even realize it (which wasn’t the problem, I don’t mind doing that) but while I was praying, covering others, I was left exposed. Not only was God NOT blocking certain spiritual attacks on my behalf that I thought He should have (according to His word) but when I would follow up to grieve the instances of pain to God, He would tell me that what I was enduring was actually HIS WILL and I had to go through it to get to the promise on the other side. Therefore He wouldn’t/couldn’t bless my desire to “abort mission”… (Notice how I said, “bless”. We all have free will and choice. I could of aborted mission at any time but I’m so far down this Jesus journey that now I always want my choice to be HIS CHOICE TOO. My aborting the mission wasn’t His will so I was stuck, and PISSED.)

My anger said “My God is always good. He’s a good father and gives good gifts. So what is this?? AIN’T NO WAY! Not my Jesus! The math is not mathing.”

I threw a fit…well… I threw several fits… and I also had several failed attempts to go a-wall… I petitioned God every day, begging him for a new set of circumstances and people to go along with it. For months, I prayed against whatever redemptive plan He was telling me would soon come. I mean, I had a full-on case on why whatever He is planning to was not a good idea and couldn’t possibly ever be a blessing to me. Not only did I want a rewrite to this chapter of my life, but I was straight up telling God, He could keep whatever “good gift” was coming as my “beauty for ashes”. I refused to believe that good could come from such an evil situation so whatever it was He had planned, I DIDN’T WANT IT. I just wanted OUT.

Every. SINGLE. TIME. I asked to be released, and I was met with the kindest of “No’s” — “If that’s what you want, sure. But it’s not what I want. I’m not done here.”

It was like I would cry and tell God about my suffering and sadness and just like He met Hagar— He would answer me, give me a promise, and send me back. BUT UNLIKE Hagar, I wasn’t joyous to know there was more to come. I echoed God’s promises with the following screams:

“God, I know I said I would go through anything for you and I will! But don't I deserve better than this? AS THE DAUGHTER OF A KING? Why this way? Surely, no promise was better than THIS promise?”

“PICK! SOMEONE! ELSE! I don't want it.”

“PLEASE!! WHAT ABOUT ME!! WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANTED? Everyone’s getting a good thing from me being here and suffering like this EXCEPT me. Why am I enduring for something that I don't want, NEVER asked you for, and I didn't even get to pick myself!”

“MY CHOICE IS NO. TO ALL OF THAT PLAN — HELL NO. I’M NOT DOING IT! This cannot be redeemed- at least not with me still in this story! I'm done. Release me, please!”

The suffering of the “terrible things” that God wanted me to go through and wouldn’t release me from began to taint the way I saw God and the way I began to trust him.

“How is this always good? God has forsaken me! Is He suddenly a respecter of persons?! I see the evidence of You advocating on everyone’s behalf, EXCEPT MINE. The innocent!”

Selfish, yes. But I promise you if I told you specifically what God was asking me to do- and you actually believed me -in this “live your truth”, “do what’s best for you”, “one and done”, "ghost and cut people off” culture ,you would most likely of said “hell no” too.

And although I didn’t leave God, or denounce my faith- and I did everything He told me to do (delayed mostly I'll admit—I learned delayed obedience is disobedience. The hard way in this process.) I still showed up but certainly stopped talking to Him and reading my word as often. I stopped looking for good things to happen. I grew bitter.

I am fortunate that while I grew angry and bitter and stopped talking to Him. God never ceased to stop talking to me. And He was not upset with me for my feelings. He didn't reprimand me or tell me I was being a brat that didn't deserve His presents. He would affirm to me that what was being asked of me was hard, according to man but that when I was ready, He wanted to show me how to stop seeing the situation with my flesh but with His spirit. He would show me where to put those hurt feelings and how to forgive. And when all was said and done I would eventually see the intended glory coming from it all because though it tarry, it wouldn't tarry.

Each time I watched a sermon, read my bible, or talked to another believer about what I was going through God would nudge my heart saying that though I didn’t think I was feeling it, this was LOVE.

​The final piece of bitterness on my heart was chiseled away when I went to “Glory Conference” and Jackie Hill Perry preached this amazing message based on the suffering of Hagar. She asked us “Do you know who else asked for God the Father to change their fate? Who else asked ‘Father, why have you forsaken me?!’ And who else God DID NOT SAVE or SPARE from suffering because of what it meant to the kingdom? Jesus.” God didn’t spare His only son when asked if there was another way, so obviously there is a spiritual fruit that blossoms in the endurance of suffering with God and for the Kingdom of God.

Relax, this is not the part where I say “Consider it great joy! You’re suffering is for the Kingdom! Your oil is for someone else!” Because let me tell you — call me a selfish @$$ —-but amidst turmoil I no longer cared about anyone or anything else but getting myself to safety. "Fire and Brimstone, it can all burn." On top of that I’ve never desired the center stage or to be the one prophesizing and sharing my testimony to others. I know having a story means I will eventually have to share that story. So my brain panics. Because not only will I have to pray to get through the endeavor but I have to pray and prepare myself so I don't relive/rehash this hurtful experience emotionally and mentally every time I tell people how I got over it. Who would want this fate?!

No, this being for someone else wasn’t the comforting part. What caused my mindset to flip was “consider it great joy that God saw fit to put me in a situation to make me more like Jesus through making me suffer.” Without faith that statement sounds crazy but this entire time He was trying to show me a different piece of His heart. So that I could know Him better. He was trying to strengthen my spirit to show me how to endure in a manner like Jesus. (Not saying that was I was going through was even remotely close to dying on a cross, IT IS NOT.) But in this process, I have gotten to experience a microscopic portion of the emotions Jesus must have battled. That not only makes me have a deeper love and respect for Him but honored that He saw it fit to share such an intimate experience with me. I not only am learning how to truly forgive and extend grace but also meeting the God that exists in suffering and learning how to separate my emotions from my reactions. How grateful am I that He didn't listen to me when I threw my fits but rather He let me get it out and held my space until I was willing to do the work?

Suffering in a manner such as this— for something I didn’t ask for, but God wants— gives me an intimate understanding of Jesus’ holiness and what He endured and overcame. Suffering to still have a love for those who I treated like friends but I found out were enemies (like Judas), love for those who acted out against me for no reason other than my existence shining light on their wicked schemes and manipulation (like the Pharisees), for those who failed their “tests” on me (like Peter) but I’m called to still be in relationship with because God knows their heart. All on top of me doing something that I don't want to do to fulfill a prophecy that seemingly appears like it's going to bless everyone but me.

My God is amazing!

I haven’t mastered all these types of forgiveness and love, I’ll be honest. I’m still processing and learning to look at things from the perspective of believing whatever God says the truth is, desiring that truth, and making peace with what is present in front of me when the present doesn’t always match it yet.

But I have mastered that if it is what God desires, it may be absolute hell to go through it— but it is good. What I do understand is that my God will sit with me through the process of my emotions, good and bad, justified or not.

God is strong enough to hold space for anything I take to him and anything He asks of me.