Reflective Thoughts...

Recently I have made it a biweekly occurrence to escape the world and hide away at Mom’s house. Living alone in my 700 square foot apartment in a city has led to me cherishing the life I grew up in and moments with family. At my mother's house, she and my brother are ten feet away max but I usually spend the time alone on her deck overlooking her big lawn and watch the birds and other wildlife frolic through. It's my new favorite thing and does wonders for when my mind is doing summersaults and won’t calm down (the only other time when I’m this at peace— is in Tulsa.)

I’ll play my worship music and write, pray, work out — and just listen for God's voice.

Not sure how many people also feel like this but my emotions have just been all over the place lately. I can’t describe what I’m feeling, I just know I’m feeling A LOT. I can’t find the words to accurately explain the “both” “and” thoughts in my mind.

I’m excited about the future of where and how God has been growing me.

And anxious about all the unknowns and uncertainties.

I’m proud of myself for continuing to go to therapy and doing the mental work to open up to people. 2021 marked the year when I decided to give God control.

And I spend 75% of my day wishing I could go back into hiding and could hang “the call” up.

I love that I learned how to give grace and forgiveness to those that hurt me. I can confidently go back into those relationships with hope and have a better understanding of building new ones.

And I’m still terrified of getting hurt. (specifically - again by those people.)

I’m joyful, hopeful, and expecting.

And overwhelmed, stressed … and honestly scared.

There is no point in this blog. It’s just a brain dump.

And in my brain right now as I sit in my mom’s backyard barefoot and in the sun, my brain is unpacking some of the nuances of my “both/and” and not “this or that” God in my life and how He has sat - and will continue to sit — with me in it all.

Matthew 6: 25-34 - "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow thrown into the fire, will he not more clothe you- you of little faith? So don't worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Philippians 4:6 NIV - Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:31 NIV - "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?