My New "Normal"

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Trauma will have you operating on autopilot without any conscious awareness that you're doing so. Looking back at the last few years of my life, I honestly can't really tell you what happened, where I was, what I was doing, or how much I missed. I was so mentally and emotionally traumatized by various external factors that I became a shell of myself and the woman I once knew.

Have you ever seen those TikToks that say, "I healed so much that my weird came back"?

That's absolutely how I feel entering my 30s.

I believe that as we age, our personalities and character traits are constantly evolving, growing, and changing. But for me, my biggest moments of self-discovery have always come from the hardest experiences of my life. And these past few years feel like they jump-started that evolution into overdrive.

Before I could begin discovering who I was becoming, I had to grieve who I thought I was. I had to grieve the woman who should have "known better." The woman who would have never accepted certain behaviors from loved ones or colleagues. I had to grieve the dreams and expectations I had for myself and the person I thought I would be by now. I had to let go of societal expectations of who I was supposed to be.

And I had to, and still have to, process the shame I carried for not protecting myself more.

For a while, I think I believed healing meant getting back to the woman I was before. Now, I understand that should have never been my goal. Instead of getting "back to her," I need to use the memory of her happiness to find a new "normal." Of course, there are parts of her that I'm seeing return that I didn't know I missed, like my "weird" obsession with BTS. My love of music. The things that make me laugh. Being out and about with family and friends. The things that make me feel like me. But there are also so many parts of myself that I'm meeting for the first time.

My new vow to myself is that I am no longer waiting for the "perfect" person or season to do what I want to do. No more pauses. No more putting my life on hold. I'm just going to go for it.

I'm trying things I used to hate and participating in the things I love. I'm still working my butt off, but I'm also making sure I uphold my boundaries and take breaks. I'm learning that both can exist at the same time.

There is a new, positive sense of self-awareness that I feel emerging in my 30s. I'm not trying to recreate an old version of myself anymore. I'm figuring out who I am now and giving myself permission to enjoy her.

A lot of people say your 30s are the best years of your life. Only three months in, I think I might have to agree.

Whatever version of Lex I'm becoming, I think she's going to be my favorite version yet.

-- With love, Lex